Dear Abortionists, Pagans, ACLU, Fags, and Dykes:

Thank you. After your last collective effort to destroy America, you’ve been laying low. I completely understand. If the Reverend Jerry Falwell called me out as the people who caused 9/11, I’d be laying low too.

But now you’ve come back with a vengeance, haven’t you? Six years later, you heathens managed to piss off God again. Which brings me to my point: the death of Jerry Falwell by apparent heart attack has made me a religious man.

After all these fucking idiots have been claiming that 9/11 was an act of God, that the Virginia Tech shootings were an act of God (you’ll have to thank Fred Phelps for that gem), that Hurricane Katrina was an act of God… well, I’m starting to believe he’s got his hands dirty quite a few times. You must be asking, “why didn’t God send a hurricane into San Francisco? Wouldn’t that have taken care of the Gay Menace?” Well, that would have been a good strategy. Apparently, though, God saw it fit to really gum up the traffic there instead. I guess road rage is God’s warning shot. Bottom line: If God can see fit to send hurricanes and tsunamis gallivanting about to serve as His wrath, he obviously chose to stop Falwell’s heart too.

You see, as a God Warrior it is Falwell’s duty to do his bidding: stop the pagans, gays, lesbians, and abortionists (NOT A WORD) from being allowed to continue doing what they’re doing. God hates freedom. It’s as simple as that.

But Falwell has been incredibly ineffective in his mission. He hasn’t really escalated the culture war into actual war. He never took the hints from God. 9/11, Hurricanes, Volcanoes, and Roseanne’s spot on The View were obviously His way of saying, “HEY. Could we start slaughtering the heathens yet? I’m bored.”

Falwell’s heart attack is clearly a sign that God was displeased. Falwell displayed nothing more than impotent rage, and what He really needs right now is a badass, homophobic gladiator.

So to the gays, pagans, and doctors of the world, I would like to say thank you. By persisting in living your lives the way you see fit, you have been the catalysts for Falwell’s replacement just as you were for the WTC’s replacement (Freedom Tower!!!). I’m really excited to see who’s going to step up to the plate.

Keep on sodomizing and baby killing!


Love,
Neil (not gay)