I have produced a monument

This is no mere term paper, folks. This is a document. I have written 40 pages in the last 3 days. I'm done. aaaaaaah.

Barack Bans Bundling

I finally found a good reason to vote for Obama. Last Friday the Democrats in the House systematically neutered their lobbying reform bill. They took out almost every meaningful part of the bill that would change the way lobbying works in Washington. It was heartbreaking, actually. Some people in my office fought very hard for this bill, and they were very hopeful that it would be passed.

Alas, it is business as usual in Washington. One lobbying technique that especially sucks is called bundling. I’ll let Mr. Obama explain:

“Under current campaign-finance rules, an individual lobbyist is limited to writing a personal check for a maximum of $2,300. But that's where the bundling starts. A lobbyist can collect check after check from other individuals and deliver the entire bundle to a candidate for office. Sometimes those stacks contain $20,000, $100,000 or even $250,000. As the rules stand today, lobbyists have to only report their own contributions -- not the money they've raised from others.”

This is from an Op-Ed he wrote in the Chicago Tribune today. He goes on to explain why lobbying sucks and concludes with this:

“To set an example in the 2008 presidential election, I am refusing to accept campaign contributions from registered lobbyists, political-action committees, and I won't take contributions bundled by lobbyists. I'm also reporting any contributions that are bundled -- whether it's from a small-town doctor or a chief executive officer. If we can open up the system and pull aside the curtain of secrecy, then we might be able to start changing the way Washington works.”

Well would you look at that: someone’s running for President and trying to set a positive example for others. I don’t care anymore that Obama seems to lack substance. I’d rather he have no substance than to get into office full of substance bought and paid for by corporate America.

The Drumbeat Begins

Frak

According to some viewers who don’t see fit to comment, I overuse the word ‘fuck’. This may be true. I will pledge hereafter to stop fucking abusing this word. Although the word is fairly versatile, I’ve been relying on it mostly in the form of an adjective. From now on I will only drop the F-bomb as a verb, and an exclamation of frustration.

To compensate I’m doubling up on my use of the words “asshat”, “cocksure”, and “Uncle David is a sandy vagina”

Dear Abortionists, Pagans, ACLU, Fags, and Dykes:

Thank you. After your last collective effort to destroy America, you’ve been laying low. I completely understand. If the Reverend Jerry Falwell called me out as the people who caused 9/11, I’d be laying low too.

But now you’ve come back with a vengeance, haven’t you? Six years later, you heathens managed to piss off God again. Which brings me to my point: the death of Jerry Falwell by apparent heart attack has made me a religious man.

After all these fucking idiots have been claiming that 9/11 was an act of God, that the Virginia Tech shootings were an act of God (you’ll have to thank Fred Phelps for that gem), that Hurricane Katrina was an act of God… well, I’m starting to believe he’s got his hands dirty quite a few times. You must be asking, “why didn’t God send a hurricane into San Francisco? Wouldn’t that have taken care of the Gay Menace?” Well, that would have been a good strategy. Apparently, though, God saw it fit to really gum up the traffic there instead. I guess road rage is God’s warning shot. Bottom line: If God can see fit to send hurricanes and tsunamis gallivanting about to serve as His wrath, he obviously chose to stop Falwell’s heart too.

You see, as a God Warrior it is Falwell’s duty to do his bidding: stop the pagans, gays, lesbians, and abortionists (NOT A WORD) from being allowed to continue doing what they’re doing. God hates freedom. It’s as simple as that.

But Falwell has been incredibly ineffective in his mission. He hasn’t really escalated the culture war into actual war. He never took the hints from God. 9/11, Hurricanes, Volcanoes, and Roseanne’s spot on The View were obviously His way of saying, “HEY. Could we start slaughtering the heathens yet? I’m bored.”

Falwell’s heart attack is clearly a sign that God was displeased. Falwell displayed nothing more than impotent rage, and what He really needs right now is a badass, homophobic gladiator.

So to the gays, pagans, and doctors of the world, I would like to say thank you. By persisting in living your lives the way you see fit, you have been the catalysts for Falwell’s replacement just as you were for the WTC’s replacement (Freedom Tower!!!). I’m really excited to see who’s going to step up to the plate.

Keep on sodomizing and baby killing!


Love,
Neil (not gay)

Keep Arms Inside the Car at All Times

As some of you may know, when I was a child I thought I could act. In fact, I had some modicum of success with this, which culminated in my role in the straight-to-video kids movie Here Comes a Roller Coaster:



You can read some reviews on Amazon of this masterpiece.

Enough backstory. Yesterday at work I was stewing in my own collective boredom juices because my boss had gone home, and I had run out of things to do. The director of my entire division walked by and saw me sitting there reading an article that one of our lobbyists had written.

"Do you have nothing to do?"
"Good observation, Captain Obvious," I replied as I tried to communicate my seething rage via body language.

"You want to write a letter to Congressman Markey from Massachusetts for me?"
"Have I ever told you how awesome you are?"

She waddles back into her office to collect some materials I should address in my letter, and comes out to present me with Markey's bill that we're writing to him in support of.


That's when it hits me. The bill is The National Roller Coaster Safety Act of 2007. Well fuck me... something I have a background in! There's not really much of a point to this post except to say that my life has ultimately completed an Irony Loop-de-loop. I think I'm preparing for the Existential Corkscrew next, and I'll probably die somewhere during the second to last Hairpin Turn of Failure. I hope this ride will at least go fast enough that I'll get to feel some breeze on my face.

Also, during my research of various deaths at theme parks over the last 10 years, I have learned that Disneyland is in fact NOT the happiest place on Earth. Kids are getting fucked up there all the time. Some girl severed her finger on Tom Sawyer Island and they didn't even take her to the hospital. She had to pay for her ambulance ride with Mickey Mouse Dollars.

Bi-Partisanship Means Two Instead of One

The War on Fire

Yesterday some stupid fuck driving a tanker full of bombs crashed into the Bay Bridge and made Arnold Swarzhenehagenenrger declare a State of Emergency in Caleefornya.

Today the Eastern Market, some historical grocery store in D.C. burned down. The library at Georgetown University caught fire.

I burned my tongue on hot coffee and I might have athlete's foot, too (they're close, fuck you).

IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT THE NAZI'S USED FIRE TO DESTROY BOOKS TOO?

Since the dawn of modern man we have used fire to fuel society. Haven't we had enough? Can't you see that radical combustionism is destroying western culture? We spend so much money trying to fight fire, trying to prevent it and plan for it. Our flame-enabling culture has even given way to this abomination:


look at his soulless eyes!

It's time to lead the charge. We must eliminate fire completely. It is the only way we will truly be safe.

I'll start you on the first source in the axis of evil: oxygen

ok go!

The Agitator

When I'm cleaning my bong, I like to use isopropyl alcohol and rock salt. See, the salt breaks up all the shit on the inside that's hard to reach. But between cleanings, it's probably not a good idea to put rock salt in the water when you're using the bong.

Former Senator Gravel is the salt.



This man called out the military industrial complex, the other candidates on their hollow i'm-tough-too rhetoric, the democrats for their spineless faggotry on withdrawing from Iraq, and he told us that maybe it's time America started treating the rest of the world as equals instead of pions.

It's like grandpa Simpson, Al Sharpton, and Ross Perot rolled into one salty bastard who's decided it's better to burn out than fade away.


I'm in love.

The Attorney General NUCLEAR MELTDOWN

I think this marks the day I was most inspired to believe in my government's ability to function. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, or AGAG, is an insipid smug little bitch. And you know what? Chuck Shumer was having NONE OF THAT today. Case in point:



Oh yea, how's that feel? Let's ask one of the most conservative Republicans in the Senate, Mr. Coburn, what he thinks:



You know how the Bush admin loves to use the word "bipartisan" when something they want done has Lieberman's name on it? This is true bipartisanship. This is universal hatred and disgust from both parties about this guys smirky piece of shit testimony. With the exception, of course, of Orrin Hatch who's entire line of questioning consisted of "You're awesome right? Will you present to me your cock so that I may vigorously suck you off? No further questions"

I don't have video for that last one though.

PS: AGAG said "I do not recall" 77 times. He repeatedly stated, "I have searched my mind" approximately 3 times. What.